My Religious Views part 2

I had made up my mind not to go to church, a decision that did not go down well with my parents. They made their opinions quite clear about my child of theirs living under their own roof who refuses to go to church.

After a couple of months of impasse, we ( my parents & I) reached a compromise. I went to church along with them alright but I didn't attend the adult's service. I enrolled as a facilitator in the children's' service. I was more of a mentor than a Sunday school teacher. I preferred dealing with the kids. There was nothing like status among the kids. The kids of a bank executive could play with the kids of a gardener with relatively no problem.In my experience, the adults were the bigger kids than the kids themselves...but I digress.

Back to my parents, they were definitely surprised at my zeal to go to church. Even on days were the house was in no mood to go to church, I usually would be the first to be up and gone to church.

They checked with the supervisors apparently and found out I was doing a good job. They were impressed and the arrangement remained. They did not agree with my belief but they understood and respected it. They kept buttressing the point that Christianity has nothing to do with the people you worship with, but it's with the relationship you have with Jesus Christ.

I was very young and stubborn, words went in one ear and came out the other.It was hard to worship in churches were you knew the deacons, pastors, chairman/ladies of this committee or that committee were less than noble except on Sundays and expected you to be the holiest person there was.

The transition to the US was a hard one, especially culturally. One thing I liked and cherished was my relative independence especially a there was not pressure for me to go to church on Sunday mornings. I did try to go to church a few times but I usually was turned off by everything and anything: the obnoxious rants of the preacher followed by the equally irritating scream of the congregation, the political talk/prayers, the skits, the choir, everything and anything.

I still believed in the existence of God after much debating and had a mutual respect for him. But that's as close as it got.

One thing I discovered the hard way was that my strength could get me so far. Life had its way with weakening me. But I was stubborn regardless. I have been blessed with some really honest and true Christians as friends and family, they all told me the same things:"You need Jesus" "You need to be born-again""I'd be praying for you"

I wasn't hearing any of that. I was till stubborn, declaring myself as a Christian in my opinion was like affiliating myself with the self-righteous hypocrites & zealots unwilling to accept anyone different from them.

Life knocked me to my knees spiritually and I was too stubborn to run to God. I peronally believed a relationship with God involved more than running to him only in times of need or screaming his name on Sunday. A relationship with God was a total commitment with him. My pride and fear of failing would not allow me declare myself as a Christian. Failing in this commitment would make me become of the hypocrites I chastise.

I really don't know how it happened. How one day I settled all the thoughts sand teachings I have known and grown up with and I finally made a serious effort to work towards God. My old mentality, beliefs and failed attempts behind me, I finally decided to work toward becoming closer to God and I am making one serious effort at it.

I try to read devotionals and the scripture passages tagged to them, read the bible (actually read the book of John thanks to advice from my mum and a friend who is a religion professor. It opened my mind about Jesus. You can read how that happened here.) I still don't go to church and pray as much a I could but I believe first I must try and build a relationship with God and a bond with him thereby gaining spiritual confidence so I don't get influenced by those around me.

I feel incredibly blessed for the family and friends God has provided me with. Although I might falter and fall and get weak in this journey like everyone else (human and imperfect like I am)...I am not running away from my destination, I would get there eventually... I am walking towards the light.